Corner Gas: Goats on the Loose!
by Jedi Goat
Summary: Corner Gas: When Hank decides to buy some goats, all of Dog River suffers the random consequences, from a rogue goat to Hank's usual crazy plans to a horrifying secret about The Ruby.


**Corner Gas: Goats on the Loose!**

Jedi Goat

Disclaimer: I don't own Corner Gas.

Authro's Note: No goats were harmed in the production of this episode! And this story is rated K+ for Oscar's language.

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It was a normal sunny day in small-town Dog River, Saskatchewan. The gentle summer breeze brought no warning of the madness soon to come.

Down at the combination convenience store and gas station, Corner Gas, it was business as usual. With no customers in sight, the two workers busied themselves with other things. The short but peppy Wanda was engrossed in a crossword puzzle, while Brent, the owner of the station, read comic books.

Abruptly Lacey barged in from her next-door restaurant, The Ruby. She looked harried.

"Hey, Brent, take a look at this." Plopping a newspaper down on the counter, she stared at him expectantly.

Brent set down his copy of Batman. "Well," he considered, skimming the page, "this is a good article. Very insightful and flavorful."

"What?" Lacey turned the paper around to read it for herself. "Oh." She rolled her eyes, sighing, "Not the one about the pie contest, Brent. This one."

"But I like pie," he protested. His eyes lit up. "Does the Ruby have new pie flavors?"

"Just read it."

Reading over the article she indicated, Brent frowned. "'Goat farm closes down'?" He glanced up at her. "I never knew you liked goats so much, Lacey."

"I don't. I mean, they're okay, but they're not cute or anything. But," she sighed, resting her elbows on the counter, "this isn't good for The Ruby. That farm was my supply of goat milk."

"Goat milk?" Brent gasped. "What would you do with goat milk?"

"I'd cook, of course," she replied matter-of-factly.

"Cook?" Groaning, Brent stepped away. "Excuse me, but I'm going to go lose my lunch."

"Actually," Wanda piped up, "Goat's milk is more easily digested than cow's milk. It also has less lactose, making it good for people with lactose intolerance."

"That makes it all the more disgusting," commented Brent.

The bell above the door tinkled as Hank walked in.

"Hey everybody! Guess what?"

"You brushed your teeth?" Wanda asked.

"You brushed your hair?" Lacey countered.

"Er…no, and no," confessed Hank. He grinned. "But I just bought a goat farm!"

This interesting piece of news shocked Brent, Wanda and Lacey into silence for a full minute. Then Lacey ran back to The Ruby, screaming in horror.

"Aren't there better things to buy with your money?" Brent frowned.

Hank's bubble of happiness burst at his friend's words. "Well…maybe…but…it's a good idea, okay? Don't shoot it down!"

"What idea?" Wanda leaned forward. "Let's see how this one will fail."

"You'll just laugh," Hank warned, slumping against the cash register.

Brent looked between Hank and Wanda, before deciding maybe this was the time to act friendly. "Uh, no, we won't, Hank. We're your friends, remember?"

"Okay, fine," Hank sighed. He paused dramatically, announcing, "I'm going to start my own goat farm business!"

Brent and Wanda were literally rolling on the floor laughing for a minute before Wanda managed to gasp, "You don't know anything about goats!"

"I'll make a good farm," Hank insisted. "You'll see!" Turning on his heel, he stormed out of Corner Gas.

-

The next morning, Lacey was serving coffee to a batch of early bird customers when Brent walked in.

"Hey," he said, sliding onto a stool at the counter. "Have you seen Hank lately?"

Lacey set down her pot of steaming coffee to sigh, "He didn't really buy out that farm, did he?"

"He did," confirmed Brent. "And he's planning to start his own."

Lacey groaned. "We've got to stop him somehow." She leaned closer to whisper, "The Ruby is doomed if I can't find a new goat farm soon. Hank's just going to make this a bigger mess."

Brent nodded. "If I know Hank, and I do, his great idea will be burning out right about now."

The doors opened as Hank ran in, frazzled. "Hey, Brent!"

Brent didn't reply, too shocked to see a small black-and-white creature trailing his friend. The little goat had only two lumps on his head for horns; floppy ears; and bright, irresistible blue eyes.

Hank took a seat beside Brent, and the goat curled up at his feet. Brent blinked down at the goat and then back up at Hank. Turning to Lacey, he ordered, "I need my morning coffee. I think I'm hallucinating."

Lacey retrieved her coffee pot. "Hank," she reprimanded when she returned, "you can't have that goat in here."

"What?" Hank gestured at his goat. "I can't leave him outside! Joey would get lonely!"

Brent spat out his first mouthful of coffee. "You _named_ that thing?"

"Be nice," retorted Hank, petting Joey's head. "He can hear you, you know."

"Baah," Joey added helpfully.

Lacey waved her hand in a "whatever" gesture and walked away. As soon as she was gone, Hank turned to Brent.

"Brent, I need your help. Four goats are more than I can handle."

Brent calmly took a drink of coffee, pondering. "And what do you want me to do?"

"Well," Hank lowered his voice, "I was hoping you could take one on for me."

"Say what?"

"You know, look after one of them." Hank patted Joey's head.

Brent peered down at Joey. "I don't know, Hank. I don't really know how to care for a goat…"

Hank snapped his fingers. "That's right! Wanda knows how! I bet she'd love to have a pet goat! I'll go ask her!"

Picking up Joey, Hank headed for Corner Gas. He paused only to call over his shoulder, "Thanks, Brent!"

"You're welcome, I guess," Brent muttered, not quite sure of what had just occurred.

-

"You want me to _what_?" Wanda demanded.

Hank shifted uncomfortably in front of the counter at Corner Gas. "Take care of one of my goats. I have four goats, and they're kind of hard to handle."

Wanda snorted. "That's ridiculous! I can't think of any reason why –"

She trailed off, as Joey leaped up on the counter and stared at her with huge, adorable blue eyes.

"Oh, okay," she sighed. "Give him here."

That afternoon, Wanda brought Joey home. She put together a cage for him made out of various pieces of furniture. The cozy enclosure was padded with several blankets, with a dish of water and a dish of hay placed in one corner.

"There you are, Joey," Wanda beamed, dusting off her hands. "Now you and Tanner get along while I'm at work." With that, she headed out the door.

Tanner, Wanda's son, stampeded down the stairs to meet the newcomer. His face split into an evil grin at the sight of the frolicking goat.

Pulling away one of the carefully set couches, he cackled, "It's playtime!"

Joey sniffed his way curiously out of his cage. Tanner unlocked and opened the front door, and the goat bounded out into the sunlight.

-

Oscar, Brent's very temperamental father, was just driving up his driveway when he caught sight of something strange. Rolling down the window and poking his head out, he saw Emma's precious garden had been destroyed.

Stepping out to further observe the mess, he glared at the trampled tomatoes and ravaged radishes.

"Emma!" he roared, stomping inside the house. "Stupid kids have been in the garden again," he grumbled to himself.

Inside, no one was home. Had Oscar seen the note on the table, he would have known his wife Emma was out at The Ruby. However, Oscar had a tendency to miss these details.

"Emma?" Oscar creaked open the cellar door and peered down into the darkness. "Emma?"

He clicked on the light, blinked once, and screamed. A small figure at the base of the stairs jerked up.

"Jackass! Get out of my house!" Enraged, Oscar grabbed a bottle of red wine from a nearby shelf and flung it.

The bottle smashed down below, missing the figure by a mile. What turned out to be a miniature goat loped over to the puddle of red and started lapping at it.

Baaing in delight, Joey the goat licked up the wine. Still his happy self, he jumped out the open basement window.

"And stay out!" Oscar yelled after him.

Ignoring the shattered glass below, he went back upstairs, slamming the door behind him. The telephone hooked on the wall wobbled precariously.

Growling, Oscar yanked the phone off and dialed.

-

Fifteen minutes later, police officers Karen and Davis arrived at Oscar and Emma's house.

"What took you so long?" Oscar demanded as the police entered. As the two officers exchanged glances, he continued, "Your office is just over there!"

"Davis had to stop for doughnuts," Karen admitted.

"I did not!" the officer in question complained. "You did!"

Karen rolled her eyes. "Lame."

She followed Oscar down the steps into the basement while Davis reluctantly followed.

"You say a goat broke into your house?" she queried, opening a notebook.

Oscar nodded fiercely. "It tried to steal my wine!"

"Okay." Karen raised an eyebrow, but jotted this down anyway.

"And what did the goat look like?" Davis asked, glaring pointedly at Karen.

Oscar made wild hand gestures. "It was one of those little kinds."

"A kid?" Karen probed.

"No! It was a goat, you jackass."

"A kid is a baby goat," she tried to explain, but Oscar wasn't listening.

"It was a real sneaky fellow, thought he could steal my wine and run for it," Oscar ranted. "Smirking black-and-white rat!"

"Goats don't smirk," Karen pointed out.

Davis's eyes widened. "Maybe this one did." He nodded very seriously. "It could have been a rogue goat."

Turning to Oscar, Davis finished, "This is an interesting case. We will look into this further."

"Of course you will!" Oscar snapped. He slammed his fist into his palm. "Catch that goat!"

Karen and Davis looked at each other.

"Well? Go!"

They both ran for the door at the same time.

-

Outside, the pair walked leisurely to the police car.

"You don't think we should take him seriously, do you?" Karen asked.

Davis waved a hand, laughing, "Oscar can come up with some pretty crazy ideas." He opened the driver's side door and peered inside.

"Hey, where's my doughnuts?" He turned back to his partner. "Karen?"

"I didn't take them." Suddenly her eyes widened. "Maybe…"

"What?" Davis probed.

"Maybe it was the rogue goat!"

"You're right!" Davis gasped. He couldn't help but add grudgingly, "For once."

Both officers rushed to their seats, and in moments the police car drove off, sirens blaring.

-

Hank entered Corner Gas. He slammed his hands down on the counter, groaning, "I can't do this!"

Wanda looked up from a crossword puzzle. "Can't do what?"

"This goat farm stuff!" He sighed, shaking his head. "It's too much work! The goats don't give me milk!"

Wanda gave him a long stare. "Hank, did you try _milking_ them?"

"Milking? What's that?"

Wanda set down her book, sighing, "Hank, maybe the goat business just isn't for you. Sell your goats and go back to your normal life."

"Yeah, where you're not all weird," Brent added. He paused. "Oh, no, wait, I forgot you're always weird."

"Hank, just quit," Lacey ordered, marching in. When Hank looked up at her in surprise, she said, "Give the goats to me. I need them for The Ruby."

Hank frowned. "But you said goats weren't allowed in The Ruby!"

"I need the milk," she explained.

"You like goats' milk or something?"

"I use it in the food instead of cow's milk."

"What?" Hank slapped both hands over his ears. "No! It can't be! I'll never be able to eat there again!"

"Tried that," Brent piped up helpfully. "But the chili cheese dogs are just too irresistible."

"All right, all right," Hank griped. "I'll bring them over to The Ruby in fifteen minutes. But I won't eat anything!"

"Well, that was easier than I thought," Lacey commented when Hank had left.

"You actually want to buy his goats?" Wanda asked.

Lacey just smiled. "You'll see."

-

In fifteen minutes, Hank drove up to The Ruby in his battered old truck. He leaped out and lifted three goats out of the back: two females and a male. Lacey walked up, a clipboard in hand.

"Here you go," he said to her. Looking sadly down at the goats, Hank mumbled, "Take good care of them, okay?"

Lacey remembered the small goat she had seen at her restaurant that morning. "Hank, where's Joey? You weren't thinking of keeping him, were you?"

"Wanda has him." Hank sounded choked up. "She'll bring him over in a minute."

At that moment, Wanda's car slid to a stop beside them. Wanda jumped out, panting, "I can't find Joey!"

"Where could he be then?" Lacey wondered.

"Poor Joey," Hank murmured. "I hope he's safe."

"Baah!"

A little black-and-white goat was trotting over to Corner Gas. He stuck his head curiously into one of the windshield squeegee buckets.

"Joey!" Hank gasped. He raced over, picking up the young goat. "There you are!"

Brent stepped outside the gas station. "Is it time to say farewell to the goats?"

"Brent!" Hank said, scolding, "Corner Gas isn't very safe for goats. You need to make it goat-proof." He ruffled Joey's fur. "So goats don't hurt themselves!"

"The goats are leaving now, anyway," Brent dismissed his chiding.

A police car roared up, lights flashing and sirens screaming. Joey craned his neck, the red and blue lights dancing on his fur.

"There it is!" Davis shouted, running up. He flashed his badge, ordering Hank, "This rogue goat has been causing havoc. It is sentenced to jail."

Hank hugged Joey closer. "You can't do that!"

"It stole Oscar's wine," Davis shrugged. He leaned closer, gaze menacing. "And it ate our doughnuts!"

"And you don't get away with that!" Karen added.

"Um, guys?" Lacey piped up. "Why don't you come and get some homemade doughnuts in The Ruby?"

"Really?" Davis lit up. "Do we get a police discount?"

"Sure." Lacey gestured them inside and returned to the group.

"Nicely played," Brent praised.

Hank frowned at Lacey. "I thought you were running out of milk?"

"Hank knows doughnuts need milk!" Wanda whispered in shock.

Lacey ignored her, shrugging, "I've got a new company. Bring the goats around back and you'll see."

Brent, Wanda and Hank herded the goats to The Ruby's delivery entrance at the back. A large truck with small windows in the back waited to meet them. Hay stuck out from under the truck's back doors.

"It's from a goat farm!" gasped Hank.

"I know," Lacey said smugly. "I found out about them this afternoon. Their farm is right outside Saskatoon." Smiling, she continued, "This means I can keep The Ruby running on goat milk, and they can adopt your goats, Hank!"

Hank swallowed. He looked over his goats one long, last time. Finally he nodded. "Okay. They'll be going to a good home."

"And it's not far," Brent added. "You can visit them."

"I hadn't thought of that." Hank smiled slightly. He bent to hug each of his goats, giving an extra long one to Joey.

With the help of his friends, he opened the truck's back doors and piled the goats inside the trailer. Immediately the goats settled in on the hay, baaing contentedly.

Hank waved a tearful goodbye as the truck drove away. He and the others stood watching until the truck had faded into the distance of the highway.

Brent clapped Hank on the back. "C'mon. Let's go for coffee."

The End

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